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Once upon a time there was a Handsome Prince who was madly in love with a Beautiful Princess. The unfortunate part of this was that the Beautiful Princess was not madly in love with the Handsome Prince, instead she merely tolerated him for she felt that she preferred Bold Adventurous Knights. Never having encountered a Bold Adventurous Knight she was still blissfully unaware of the fact that a Handsome Prince was usually preferable to said Bold Adventurous Knights.

The day on which the princess met some one who could have the term “Bold Adventurous Knight” applied to him was a dire day indeed, for the Bold Adventurous Knight also happened to be a Traitorous Scoundrel who considered any form of washing to be avoided at all costs. And sadly, he, like the Handsome Prince, thought the Beautiful Princess exceedingly fair and lovely. And as he was not as gentlemanly as the Handsome Prince the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight decided to kidnap the Beautiful Princess and carry her off to his far away castle, which he did. At first the Beautiful Princess was pleased by being swept off her feet in such a romantic way and carried off to a distant castle, but she changed her mind eventually…

The Handsome Prince soon heard the news, though sadly not quite soon enough to do much more about it than merely jump on his horse and ride off as fast as he could in the direction that the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight had taken the Beautiful Princess.

Before the Handsome Prince had ridden far his horse encountered a Hornet which temporally caused a delay while the horse moved about rapidly in such an active manner that the prince found himself on the ground. While he was calming his horse down, after a short and desperate struggle which ended with the squashing of the Hornet beneath the feet of the Handsome Prince, a rider rapidly approached.

The rider introduced himself as Sir Impracticaleous, though he really didn’t need to introduce himself as the Handsome Prince had met him on several other occasions. Sir Impracticaleous told the Handsome Prince that he knew where the the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight’s home was, and also that the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight had taken the seaway to get there and that it was quite a long way to go by land.

Having heard repeatedly from the Beautiful Princess’s lips that she thought rescues on horseback were the most romantic the Handsome Prince decided to take the land route to get to the castle. This decision was exactly to Sir Impracticaleous’s taste so he decided to come along. The Handsome Prince made no objection to his coming along as he had no idea how to get to where he wanted to go and Sir Impracticaleous seemed to know at least where the place they were trying to get to was.

After a short time of riding they were faced with a slight difficulty for three Green and Puce Spotted One-eyed Bearwolves came roaring out of the forest as though they intended to eat the Handsome Prince, Sir Impracticaleous, and the two horses. But fortunately for both of them this was not the case since the three Green and Puce Spotted One-eyed Bearwolves were merely crossing the road to get to the other side since a Huge Fire Breathing Dragon had decided to take up residence on the side of which they had been. This was soon learned by the Handsome Prince and Sir Impracticaleous for the Huge Fire Breathing Dragon decided to also cross the road but when the Handsome Prince’s sword passed through it, it decided merely to slump in a heap in the middle of the road while making a mild earthquake.

The Handsome Prince was quite pleased with what he had just done and knowing that the Beautiful Princess would be very impressed by his killing a Huge Fire Breathing Dragon he calmly cut off one of the Huge Fire Breathing Dragon’s teeth to take with him. After spending about an hour in doing this he had his tooth so he and Sir Impracticaleous road off on their journey, both very glad that they weren’t dentists.

It would take far too long to tell you all of the adventures they encountered on that journey, for this was only the first of the dragon’s that they encountered as Sir Impracticaleous decided to take a “short cut” through Dragon Infested Mountains. Fortunately this only took them about eighty-nine miles out of their way and it only took a sixty-seven mile short cut through Marshy Bogs to get back to the road which would take them to the castle they were trying to reach. The end result was that it only took them three weeks to do a journey which normally would be five days easy riding.

Fortunately the traitorous scoundrel knight’s ship encountered storm after storm so it took him about two weeks to reach his destination. Though otherwise she wouldn’t have been too pleased to see the gloomy castle she was brought to, the seasick Beautiful Princess was quite glad to reach it.

One week later when the Beautiful Princess was recovered from seasickness and was beginning to come down with a great disgust for her surroundings, and especially the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight, the Handsome Prince arrived at the hill overlooking the castle. However as this hill was separated from the hill the castle was on by a deep and rocky canyon which had a raging stream roaring at the bottom.

Sir Impracticaleous suggested many ways to get to the castle, most involved flying by methods which were doomed to failure before even being uttered. The Handsome Prince considered these methods, and the ones which involved bridges, cannons, dams, rocking climbing, eating pizza, and going home to marry some other princess, very carefully. Then in desperation the Handsome Prince decided to do something extremely foolish.

He got on his horse and jumped over the canyon and since it was only about three feet wide, though very long and deep, he made it quite safely to the other side. Sir Impracticaleous followed his example and then it was time to see about rescuing the Beautiful Princess.

The Beautiful Princess had seen the Handsome Prince coming and being thoroughly ready to be rescued she decided to do something extremely unladylike by waving to the Handsome Prince and shouting from her balcony, “You Hoo, I’m up here!”

The Handsome Prince was overjoyed to see her so quickly swinging from his horse he climbed up the vines which covered the castle wall and soon had the Beautiful Princess in his arms. Although the princess did not exactly think that the three weeks of adventurous dirt enhanced the handsome prince’s charms very much, compared with the thirty-three years worth of dirt that the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight had it was hardly worth mentioning. They were just about to descend the vines, mount the Handsome Prince’s horse and ride off into the sunset together when the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight arrived on the scene.

He objected to the Beautiful Princess leaving and since the prince objected to the Beautiful Princess’s staying an altercation ensued. Swords were drawn and while the princess stood out of the way and thought how romantic this was, the Handsome Prince fought bravely against the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight. The Traitorous Scoundrel Knight was no match for the handsome prince, he was far his superior and it seemed as though the rescue mission was about to end in a funeral when Sir Impracticaleous showed up on the scene.

The brilliant idea to climb up the vines occurred to him when he heard the sound of fighting and when he reached the balcony he quickly drew his sword and entered the fray. As the Handsome Prince was about as much his superior in sword fighting as the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight was to him the future did not appear very bright for Sir Impracticaleous.

Suddenly the battle was brought to a close by the Handsome Prince picking up a chair and forcibly applying it to the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight causing him to fall off the balcony into an open water barrel thereby making him take a bath.

While the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight was occupied in this business the Handsome Prince and Sir Impracticaleous decided that it was now time for a Hasty Exit.

All the way back to the kingdom the Handsome Prince told the Beautiful Princess of his Daring Deeds that he accomplished in order to rescue her and as she was already favorably disposed towards him, and even more favorably disposed once they returned to their homes, she decided to accept his marriage proposal.

Six months afterwards there was a Grand and Glorious Wedding where Sir Impracticaleous married a Lovely Young Lady. The Handsome Prince was Best Man and the Beautiful Princess was Matron of Honor since she and the Handsome Prince had eloped three months before.

So just about every one lived happily ever after, with the exception of several dragons who didn’t survive to the end of the book and the Traitorous Scoundrel Knight who was rid of so much dirt by the water barrel bath that his subordinates didn’t recognize him which caused him to leave and find some other way of life and he ended up as a bathtub salesman. THE END

MORAL: Washing frequently is a good idea or else you may not be recognized when you do wash. Also, if a Green and Puce Spotted One-eyed Bearwolf crosses your path you will eventually die, maybe not right off but probably within the next one hundred years.