Bethjoy.com

Chapter Three
In which we might possibly make it to the Tower of Nesirp but I might be mistaken
9/8/05
I woke up promptly at nine thirty and got up and went downstairs. Most of the company was in the common room and one or two were in the gift shop browsing and I was informed that the rest were waiting in the carriage.
I paid the bill, gathered up the company, decided not to take a final look inside the giftshop as that probably would have delayed our starting for several minutes, and then got into the front carriage.
Everyone else loaded inside and soon we were started.
The troll could go along at a very good pace and the miles went by. I had pulled out my map and as I relaxed back against the soft cushions I thought that this was far more comfortable than riding on a dragon. I looked once more on the road we probably would be following.
According to the map the road we were now on went Northward for some distance, three hundred miles approximately, until it arrived at a large city on the edge of the desert which encircled the steep mountain where the Tower of Nesirp presumably was. At the large city I hoped to obtain flying mounts and possibly sell the two carriages for a profit and then continue on to the Tower of Nesirp.
My thoughts were interrupted by a voice that said, “This really isn’t the way adventurers are supposed to travel on epic quests.”
I looked up, it was Marcus who had spoken. He prided himself on being both an official lore-master and a captain of the guard and he was a great authority on tales of olden times and lore.
“Well,” I said in reply, “At least then it’s original.”
“I don’t think it is.” He said rather bluntly.
I looked back at him. Personally I would have found him a great deal more interesting if he had been young and handsome instead of in his mid forties and rather unpleasant looking. Plus there was the fact that he very seldom agreed with any opinion but his own to heighten his unpleasantness.
“Well, at least the seats are comfortable.” I said and turned back to my map.
“I’ve sat on more comfortable.”
“So have I.” I said.
“I doubt it.” he said.
“I’m not sure what to say to that.” I said.
“You don’t often seem to be sure of what to say.”
“On the contrary, I often have quite a lot to say.”
“But it usually doesn’t have anything to do with important things.”
“I’ve spoken of important things before.”
“When?”
“My, that actually wasn’t a disagreeing remark.” I said.
“It was meant to be.” he said.
At this point I grinned for without having written many words I had used up quite a bit of space. Apparently the fact that I was enjoying the conversation put Marcus out of temper and he remained silent. It might have been that he stayed silent because he had gotten the last word but either way it was rather nice to return to my own thoughts. Nice, but slightly boring to read about.
And of course when things get boring other things often happen to make them stop being boring, that or things just continue on being boring but I think I’m losing the thread of the tale in this discussion of boring.
A few minutes after Marcus had grown quiet there was a loud noise outside and I poked my head out of the carriage to see what had happened. What I saw was that we had just been surrounded by horsemen who looked as though they were probably thieves and outlaws. From their words I gathered that my guess was probably a good one for their leader shouted,
“Give us your goods and valuables, and make it snappy!”
“The only thing you shall get from us is the edges of our swords!” Marcus said very defiantly as he leapt out of the carriage with his sword drawn. All the other members of our company, except me, who had swords now drew them and for a moment there was tense silence until Dick asked, “How do we take the edges off our swords to give it to them?”
There was some very poorly suppressed laughter at this amongst both the members of our company and the outlaws which was heightened into a roar at the look of puzzled bewilderment on Dick’s face.
Rella saved the situation by stepping forward with her sword and said, “This is what he meant.” and slashed at one of the thieves who blocked the stroke with the edge of his sword.
In a few minutes I doubt not that a raging battle would have been going on and just about everybody would have gotten badly wounded and some perhaps would have become deceased but my Mother doesn’t exactly like gore and violence and since she might possibly read this book I think I’ll save the gore and violence for later on in the book or possibly in the extended edition. If there is any that is. For those of you who want it you can keep on hoping and for those of you who don’t you also can keep on hoping.
Just as Rella’s blade had been stopped on the blade of one of the thieves there was a mighty rumble and the ground shook. Every eye turned and looked towards the north for down the road there came a cloud of dust and in it could faintly be glimpsed strange figures. I looked at them as intently as I could and then I looked down at the road and then up at the twelve oak trees that were overshadowing the road.
“Get off the road!” I suddenly shouted.
Conveniently the thieves all went to the left side of the road while all of our company went to the right side of the road so the two sides were nicely split up when the army of anteaters arrived and begin eating all of the acorns that had fallen from the oak trees. I think that acorns grown on oak trees but if they don’t then in this world they do.
I thought that this would probably as good as time as any to go on our way so I told everybody to get back in the carriages and we set off leaving the thieves behind surrounded by the anteaters who were briskly feasting.
“Well, that was exciting.” I said.
“No it wasn’t.” Marcus said.
I did not answer.
Silence continued on as we went speeding on our way again. I hoped that there wasn’t a speed limit that we were breaking but I didn’t think that there was.
As the miles continued to pass by I began wondering about things that could happen to break three hundred miles worth of monotony. However I found that leaning back and taking a nap was much more interesting.
I was woken up by Harry who informed me in a rather loud whisper that since I was the leader of the company I was the one who was supposed to state when it was time for lunch and that now would be an excellent time for lunch. I agreed with Harry and proposed stopping for lunch and since nobody objected we stopped for lunch. The troll was especially glad to stop. He was getting a bit tired of pulling us.
“About how far do you think we’ve come?” I said.
“From what point?” Rella said.
“From the inn this morning.” I replied.
“A long way.” the troll mumbled, though he didn’t say it nearly as intelligibly as I’ve written it.
“At least two inches.” Dick said, attempting to show off his wisdom.
“Yes,” said Rella, “we have certainly gone at least two inches.” She said it slightly exasperatedly while looking at Dick with a rather wondering look in her eyes.
“We’ve gone at least twenty miles.” Marcus said with firm conviction.
The troll mumbled something here but since he couldn’t understand a word of it Marcus was unsure whether it was an agreement or disagreement or was just some strange sort of noise so he didn’t argue his point further.
Indeed, nearly everybody’s attention was now focused on one thing, lunch. It was now about one o clock in the afternoon so certainly a good time for lunch, if not perhaps a little late for it.
I ate plenty and drank some of the milk from the refrigerating unit in my pack. I knew I ought to be sparring with this supply as it would not last me forever and I might not have that many chances of replenishing it but I thought that since I was the authoress I could always write in a cow or two if the situation became urgent and fortunately several persons in the company knew how to milk a cow which was a good thing because I didn’t.
It didn’t rain while we were eating lunch, nor did hordes of acorn eating anteaters show up to bother our repast, but quite a lot of ants showed up. I don’t like insects very much and naturally I don’t like ants very much.
I was wondering about what to do to keep the ants away when Tom, Dick, and even Harry, stopped eating to take care of the menace. Everyone else seemed either too terrified of the ants to do anything, like me, or too proud of their toughness to show that the ants bothered them at all, like Marcus though I’m not quite sure that he was bothered by the ants but he certainly didn’t show it.
Tom pulled out a small wooden flute and began playing a merry dance tune and he danced about squashing as many ants as possible beneath his big feet. Dick kept time with two pots that he banged together and he and Harry, who also was busy squashing ants, sang a song about the squashing of ants. It was quite a good song and very effective but it wouldn’t be as impressive as it was if I wrote it down.
Once the ants were taken care of they sat down again and began making up for lost time on their lunches but I said, “Thank you”, and surprisingly enough Rella said the same thing at the same moment I said it and while I was looking at all three in general her eyes were on Dick. Possibly this was because he had just stuffed an entire slice of bread, thickly covered with peanut butter, into his mouth but it may have been for other reasons. And yes, in this particular strange and distant land of fantasy, they do have peanut butter. Jelly however, much to my sorrow, hasn’t yet been invented but it probably will be eventually.
9/9/05
Now that every one could pay attention to their food, pay attention they did. Nothing of great interested happened for the duration of the meal and once it was over everything was packed packed up and we started again. The troll had not been forgotten and he had a splendid lunch, though perhaps it wasn’t what he normally ate.
Once everyone was in the troll started off again and we proceeded on our way. Although I wasn’t absolutely sure about it I thought that we might have gone twenty miles in about three hours and we had about three hundred miles to go on this road and let me see, three hundred divided by twenty equals about fifteen times three hours approximately equals about forty-five hours minus the three we’ve already traveled equals a headache from doing all of that math. At any rate I estimated that we probably had forty-two hours of traveling left to do.
Now it was time for a serious debate. Should I perhaps speed up this tale by merely saying, “After a few mild and unimportant adventures they arrived at their destination”, or should I perhaps write out the mild and unimportant adventures or should I perhaps have lots of important and exciting adventures happen or should nothing happen at all?
Out of this one thing was pretty easy to decide, the last option was not the one to go with. However the idea of speeding up the trip did not seem to be a bad one. I looked out of the window at the troll and wondered just how fast he could go. It would indeed be nice if we could reach the city on the edge of the desert, or Tresed as it was named, that evening.
I decided then to tell the troll something so I spoke, “If you can get us to Tresed by sundown tonight you shall at once be set free and what’s more I’ll give you a Snerfulang.”
Don’t ask me what a Snerfulang is, I don’t know myself and I even had one to give to the troll. But I do know this, Trolls love Snerfulangs and consider having one to be a great symbol of their status as higher beings(a debatable position) and will run very quickly in order to get one so it was actually an hour before sundown when we arrived at the great city of Tresed and Everybody was quite glad for he was suffering from motion sickness, as indeed was most of the company. One or two actually kissed the ground when they got out once we had stopped.
I gave the troll the Snerfulang and he took it and went back down the road and I highly doubt I’ll see that troll again, or want to.
I looked at the city. We were just outside the gates, which were quite large by the way as the wall surrounding the city was very great. The architecture was quite massive and the city looked as though it had come out of an Arabian Nights tale.
Leaving the two carriages behind we took our luggage and entered into the city. As we walked along
9/12/05
I wondered where exactly the bazaars were and whether or not they might possibly have lovely silks and satins, flying carpets, jewels, and perhaps a fan or two. The weather was rather hot in Tresed in case I haven’t mentioned that before.
We walked along and I looked about me. There were many sights to see and the architecture was quite interesting. My mother, father, and brothers all doubtlessly would have had their cameras out taking pictures but one of my brothers probably would have been bored for in this large city of dessert dreams there were no sports cars. I however was more interested in going shopping than looking at the sights so I didn’t pay attention to them and certainly couldn’t describe them.
Eventually I decided to ask for directions. “Stores” didn’t get me much but “Shopping” got me more and “Bazaar” got me quite a lot of directions. Primarily I was informed about an excellent shop where candles were sold by the brother of the person I had inquired for directions from. He insisted on leading us there personally and I had to buy quite a few candles before we could finally get rid of the fellow however I think that the tip I gave him was quite effective in that department.
I was now in the main shopping district of the city and my attention was captivated. Several items caught my eye and caused me to pause and admire them, a pretty necklace here, and exceptionally gorgeous silk scarf, a jeweled hair brush, but it wasn’t until I reached a merchant who was selling fans that I made a purchase. I bought several fans and then proceeded to walk around with one in my hand fanning myself. Since I hadn’t read the owners manual for my backpack I was unaware that it had a portable air-conditioning system built into it.
After about an hour of wandering about I finally decided it was time to look in earnest for a winged mount. However before doing that I had to look for Earnest who had somehow managed to get lost in the crowd. I suppose I should have been surprised to find that he was the only one to have gotten lost for when I shop I move about somewhat unpredictably, often stopping for long periods of time to look at something and often walking quickly through crowed areas threading my way through crowds and obstacles in the quickest possibly manner.
Harry was the one who spotted Earnest while eating a stick of candy. I leave it to the grammarians to decide who technically is eating the stick of candy but since Harry was twelve and fond of food and Earnest was twenty and not overly fond of candy and instead being fond of reading and studios matters I would suspect it was Harry who was eating the candy.
Once we were all together again it was time to look for a conveyance across the desert and up the unclimbable mountain to the Tower of Nesirp. A flying carpet sounded like the best option since one usually didn’t need to feed them and they typically didn’t need any water and typically one could sit down on them and that would save one from the necessity of walking.
However at the moment we did have to walk quite a ways. We entered just about every shop that sold anything like a carpet for every time I asked for directions or ideas where to find a flying carpet whoever I asked the directions of would usually nod their head yes and say that they knew exactly what I wanted and then would lead me to the shop of a relation which didn’t have a flying carpet but had a lot of other things in it. This was beginning to get a bit monotonous until one of the persons I asked for directions led me into a shop that was full of elegant silks, satins, and fabrics of all of types and makes.
I was enthralled and wandered about looking at everything in a happy dream. The others were less happy than I and seeing that they seemed likely to disturb me and perhaps prevent a large sale the store keeper with a large grin came forward and began a tale. Since I was just browsing when he started I heard the first part,
“Many years ago when the first Caliph of Holfor came to rule the city of Holfor there came to his courts a great story teller who said thus to him, ‘Oh great Caliph of Holfor, a tale I would tell the about the treasure of the Setting Sunrise. Far away in the mountains of…’”
At this moment I came across some crimson satin and was lost to about everything else when I saw that it was marked on sale. When I had time to listen to the story again I heard.
“So the Jinn said unto the camel, ‘I do not grant wishes to the idle.’ and the camel replied to the Jinn, ‘Idle I am not. I shall prove it to you. In this very hour I shall spin about eight times and behold, when I cease there shall be a hump upon my back.’ The camel did even as he said and when he had ceased there was indeed a hump upon his back, just as there had been when he had started, and the Jinn said, ‘’Verily, thou hast proven that thou are not idle but…’”
This time it was some yellow silk that made me inattentive and when I had finished looking at that there were some other silks and then it was a brocade and another lovely fabric and then another and it was probably at least a half hour later that I paid attention to the story and that was only after paying for many, many yards of fabric. Seeing that I was now done and another customer was entering the store the merchant must have thought that it was time for his tale to end so he seemed to conclude it very hastily,
“‘Thus it was that the mouse consumed not only the cheese but the salted nuts as well’ the wine merchant said concluding his story to the sailer. Mohulonous the sailer went on his way with these words in his ears and ate no more poisoned fish. ‘Great wisdom indeed in the tale’ said the young prince to the aged fisherman as he finished speaking, “But how is it to help me win the princess?”. “Eat no poisoned fish.” the fisherman said and then was silent. The prince then went on his way and ate no poisoned fish unlike the other suiters of the princess who all did so and died and thus at long last the prince gained that which he sought by paying heed to the words of a wise man. ‘An excellent tale indeed,’ the Jinn said unto the camel, ‘but it still doesn’t prove to me that I should turn you into a prince.’ ‘If I have not a hump when I turn about eight times then verily I deserve not to be prince’ the camel said and proceeded to turn about eight times after which he still had a hump but then fell down with dizziness from doing it so many times. ‘Thus’, said the old hermit to the peasant, ‘the moral of this tale is that those who wouldst use the same method over and over again to trick others into giving them what they desire are only setting themselves up for a fall’. The peasant lad agreed and went his way and tricked no more the seven guards of the Caliphs palace but ate his bread in peace until the end of his days. ‘And you council me then not to seek for the treasure of the Setting Sunrise’ Ahmed said to the lore-master. ‘Most heartily do I advise it,’ he said, ‘for the treasure shall never be found again in this age of the world.’ ‘And that is the end of my tale’ the great storyteller said to the Caliph of Holfor. And it is also the end of my tale as well” the merchant said. “May its wisdom go with you and may you return and shop here again,” he said with a polite bow. We left.
I was wondering what he was talking about but everyone else seemed to think that his story had made sense and Ernest said, “I shall be certain to avoid eating poisoned fish for I…” He didn’t finish his sentence for at that moment there was a loud noise of trumpets and it was announced that the streets needed to be cleared for the beautiful Princess Scheherize, whose dowry was the one and only flying carpet in the great city of Tresed, was going forth from the palace.
I now knew who had a flying carpet but it probably wouldn’t be obtainable by purchase. We stepped off the main street but remained watching as the gates opened and out came the beautiful Princess Scheherize. She was very beautiful and Earnest especially noticed this though his only comment at the time was, “I’m definitely not going to eat any poisoned fish.”
Those hopeless romantics out there reading this story will probably have little difficulty in figuring out a way for us to get a flying carpet since the flying carpet is the dowry of a beautiful princess and Earnest conveniently is in love with her already.
However since it has been some time since I wrote in some practical and realistic advice in here I shall now mention that when it comes to love and matrimony being in a great rush is typically not a good idea. One should get to know as friends first the person one is interested in. Carefully one should study and see whether the morals and standards of the other person are compatible with one’s one. One should in fact take a great deal of time and care in make sure that it really is the person one wants to spend one’s life with before getting married or perhaps even before proposing. The whole process indeed may take many years and should not be begun too soon.
But in fairytales and I suppose fantasy stories as well, reality and proper methods of doing things are often ignored in order to not bore the reader or slow down the story. And in the case of this story since in two years if nobody did anything about it one of the dark lords would probably have conquered the lands and all of the free peoples of the earth, and probably the army of anteaters as well, and would have married the Princess Beautifulia and would have doubtlessly covered the lands in darkness and probably would have been preparing to celebrate his two year anniversary as the undisputed tyrant of the lands, reality and common sense and excellent forethought and planning may perhaps be cast aside in order to prevent such dire events from happening.
This being said it is probably no wonder that just as the litter carrying Princess Scheherize passed by all of the slaves carrying it simultaneously tripped on loose stones in the road and so shook the litter that Princess Scheherize fell out on the side closest to us and Earnest quickly rushed forward and caught her in his arms and as she looked up into his eyes which were gazing deeply into hers Princess Scheherize said, “My Hero!” then Earnest devotedly murmured, “My Love!” and I felt fairly certain that I had just written a run-on sentence and that it was high time to put in a period so here one is.
As it would probably be good plan to leave at daybreak the next morning in order to cross the desert and perhaps come to the Tower of Nesirp the next day it was decided, primarily by me The Authoress, that the wedding of Princess Scheherize and Earnest should take place that evening. It did so and there was a grand feast to celebrate it and we all had a chance to examine the flying carpet which fortunately looked large enough to hold all of us.
We stayed the night at the royal palace. The next morning we learned that the flying carpet was typically used as the going away vehicle for the honeymoon and there was a slight bit of bother before everything was fixed by Earnest stating that our quest would be his honeymoon and fortunately for us the lovely Princess Scheherize was much to much in love with him to suggest anything else so we finally got off before the sun had risen much past the rim of the earth.
According to my pocket map the direction we were supposed to head from the city in order to arrive at the unclimbable mountain was almost due north with a little east thrown in for good measure.
I was quite glad that Princess Scheherize was going with us for she was the only one who knew how to steer the flying carpet. Earnest explained to her about our mission and she said that she was very glad of it for otherwise they wouldn’t have met she thoroughly expounded on the subject for some time.
This was boring to some of the company, like Marcus and Harry, but it was quite interesting to me and I actually thought that Rella got the sort of expression on her face that one might get when one watches a romantic love scene in a movie and thinks that one would like that sort of thing too.
The carpet moved along quite quickly and I could see that even though we sailed quite high above the desert that we stirred the sands beneath us when we passed over.
Most of us were busy looking for the mountain but for quite a few hours we didn’t see any sign of anything that might be a mountain.
9/14/05
Finally far off in the distance we saw a peak that seemed quite small at first but steadily got a bigger.
No one spoke, all were looking at the peak and seeing whether or not there was a tower on it. I was fairly certain that there was going to be a tower on the unclimbable mountain, though I was a bit unsure as to whether or not it was going to be the correct tower. After all, I didn’t really know where the Tower of Nesirp was and this was just a guess and in the title of this chapter I had left things fairly open.
We swiftly were brought towards the mountain by the flying carpet Not wishing to draw on the suspense of the moment I shall say that we soon landed safely in the courtyard of the large tower that was on top of the mountain, which certainly looked unclimbable, and we were quite pleased to see a banner which read “Welcome to the Tower of Nesirp” but we weren’t too pleased to see the two evil dragons who were holding the banner while a third dragon told us in a snaky cold voice that we had just arrived in time for lunch. Harry, showing his incomparable wisdom, said that it wasn’t yet noon and therefore was to early for lunch.
The dragon replied with wicked glee, “Anytime can be time for lunch.” Harry liked this idea and promptly started eating some of his snacks he’d brought but the dragons began looking at us as though they were considering the best way to prepare their meal.
“I say that we should roast them” The largest of the dragons said as he put down his side of the banner.
“An excellent idea.” said the other dragon as he too put down his banner.
All three dragons gathered themselves up and then let out a blast of fire and flames in our directions which doubtless would have completely overwhelmed us if it hadn’t been that Rella had a necklace which guarded her from flame and my backpack, as I have mentioned before, had an anti-flame device which protected our entire company and squirted water at the dragons. However their wasn’t enough water in my backpack to utterly defeat those three dragons. They laughed and grinned evil looking grins as they said, “So, they want to play!” and then they bared their claws and the largest said, “Minced perhaps?”. The others agreed.
The dragons tore at us with their claws but by now every sword had been unsheathed and all were ready for the battle, except for a few of us, primarily Harry who was still eating, Princess Scheherize who had fainted and me. I however had drawn my sword and hoped that the battle wouldn’t hurt much. I really didn’t like getting hurt.
Marcus, Tom, Dick, Earnest, Everybody, Nobody, Rella, and maybe a few others that I haven’t mentioned by name yet stood their ground and as the dragons attacked they hewed with their swords. Tom yelled out to declaw the creatures, Dick yelled out that their swords would probably be the best tool that we had to do this with and Harry said that any time was a good time for a meal providing that it wasn’t for a dragon.
At this moment I saw what was behind the dragon. it looked like a store. In fact I was fairly sure it was a store and in it’s windows their was a sign, “Going out of Business Sale, 95% off everything including fabric and patterns and collectibles.”
At that moment I yelled a cry that might possibly have been mistaken for a battle cry for with a loud voice I said, “Shopping!!!” then rushed forward sword in hand. In between me and the store were three very large dragons who were obstructing my way but a few slashes of my sword took care of them and as I rushed forward to see just what was 95% off in the store and whether or not there were some excellent bargains I left behind me three very dead dragons and several rather surprised companions.
I entered the store and probably would have spent the next couple of hours there digging through everything but the company was by now quite aware of my shopping tendencies and knew that if they didn’t do something we’d be stuck here for hours. Rella took matters into her own hands and stepped in but as soon as she did so she saw some very well made swords for low prices and 95% percent off those already low prices and she couldn’t help stopping to look at them and then…
Fifteen minutes later Dick and a few of the others got tired of waiting and also entered. Half an hour later everybody else went in. Three hours later we all came out en masse with quite a few purchases that were just too good of a bargain to miss.
“And now,” Tom said, “I suppose it’s time to find Princess Beautifullia.”
“We should probably look in the tower.” said Dick.
“I wonder if they have any restaurants.” said Harry.
We went into the tower.

There were no windows looking into the hall and other than a torch here or there the hallway was very dark.
Marcus bravely stepped forward and took one of the torches from the wall and led the way. I followed right behind him primarily because I wanted to see where I was walking and I was completely unaware of the lighting system in my back pack. At some point I’ll just have to read that owners manual.
The rest of the company followed. We were slightly burdened down with our purchases but not too much.
After walking for what seemed like a considerable amount of time, though I doubt it was more than a few minutes we arrived at the end of the hallway. We’d been walking slowly for the floor was somewhat uneven and seemed ill kept. There was also a lot of dust about and plenty of cobwebs on the walls and in corners. Fortunately I hadn’t seen any spiders for it would not have been a good thing at that moment for the official leader of the company to make a terrified scream.
At the very end of the hallway we came to a choice of different ways. Up till now the hall had grown straight with narrow openings but now we had a choice between going right down another hallway which was not lit but in the flickering glare of the torch that Marcus held looked dim and lengthy, or we could go to the left down a stair that plunged steeply down or we could keep on going up onto a stairway leading up into darkness.
The decision probably rested on me but before anyone asked or offered advice I said, “Let us go up and onwards.
No one said anything and we went up and onwards. The stair wound around a pillar of stone and seemed to keep on going for long ages uncounted.
“I’m tired” was said behind me, I think it was Princess Scheherize who was not used to an adventuring life and who also had made heavy purchases at the store all of which Earnest could not carry.
At this point I began to have a little difficulty because I still didn’t know and wasn’t sure what would await us when we got to the top and I wanted to convey the monotony of climbing up endless stairs to the readers while trying to figure out what was going to be at the top, if there was anything, and possibly take up some space in this story which now has a target length of fifty pages and a scheduled release date of just ten days from now, which means that I have a lot of writing to do.
Poetry being one of those excellent things that take up a lot of room to write We suddenly heard an eerie voice from far above singing a strange song that went like this…

A stair there was
A stair there is
A stair there shall be

Below they came
Below they come
Below they shall follow after

Can they make it up the stair
Can they find the hidden way
Can they arrive at the top

Doom awaits them
Doom shall drive them
Doom is sounding

Elizabeth leads them
Elizabeth is stumped
Elizabeth is probably ready for me to stop singing so I shall in order to please her.

During that last stanza the song changed somewhat from a song to merely talking. Marcus was setting the pace and he had set quite a fast one otherwise I would have told him to hasten so that we could arrive at the top much sooner and find out just what there was up there.
And soon enough, we arrived. At the very top of the stairs, in fact sitting on the topmost stair there was a rat. It looked up at me and said, “Did you like my song?” in the eerie voice that that we had heard before, though now that we could see who and what was making the noise it seemed less eerie somehow.
Yes.” I said.
“I thought you would like it.” the rat said to me. “It took up space.”
“Yes,” I replied, “It did. Do you know where Princess Beautifulia is?”
“Yes,” the rat said, “I do know where she is, but…”
“Is the way dangerous?” Marcus asked.
“Not particularly,” the rat said, “However it would probably take a lot longer for you to find it on your own than if I helped you find the way.”
“And how would that help us?” Rella asked when Dick, who suddenly showed a rare bit of genius said to her, “It would take longer story page length if we had to search for Princess Beautifullia ourselves and then Elizabeth would have less to have to think up to write about in order to fill the pages.”
“”Oh” Rella said, “I hope that she isn’t going to be so lazy as to refuse the rats help though.”
“No, I said, “I’m quite eager to see Princess Beautifulia myself. Especially since…”
“Since what?” nearly everybody said.
“Since approaching Princess Beautifulia is going to be the beginning of Chapter Four! So lead on, Friend Rat!”

Chapter Four
Princess Beautifulia
9/15/05
We followed the talking rat he led us down many passages and staircases. I hoped that he wasn’t going to lead us down any rat holes or through small places that we could go through for the rat was quite a bit smaller than we were. However my fears were groundless as was one of the passages we had to go through.
Perhaps I shouldn’t say that the passage was groundless for far below, about a hundred feet I would say, was the bottom but the exit on the other side was on the same level as we were.
“Through there,” the rat said pointing to the exit on the other side, “Is Princess Beautifulia.”
“And how do we get through there?” I said.
“Read page thirty-two of your owner’s manual.
“What owners manual?”
“The one that came with your pack!” the rat said, then he scampered off for somewhere in the distance he could here the faint sounds of a can opener calling his name.
I located the owners manual for my pack and looked on page thirty-two and saw that there was a bridging mechanism in my pack. I followed the directions and turned it on and the seat thing at the bottom of the back came out and somehow unfolded and spanned the passage quite conveniently. As I didn’t like heights I said, “I wish there was a rail.” and just as I said that the rails went up.
We crossed without difficulty and then I got the bridge back up and it folded itself back onto the bottom of my pack and we went on.
The passage led us on for a ways, though not in a straight line. Eventually we came to a door. It appeared to be locked for when Marcus, who was still leading, tried to open it, it didn'’t open. However there was no other way out of the passage except the one behind us so it was obvious that Princess Beautifulia must be on the other side of the door. We pushed on the door and Marcus began trying to figure out what would be the best thing to use as a battering ram when Tom said, “Maybe there is a key for the door.” Everyone looked at him in surprise, for usually Dick was the one to say something like that. “Don’t you think it would be a good time for lunch or supper or something?” Dick said while everyone became even more surprised and the surprise was complete when Harry said, “Here’s the key!”
I took the key from Harry and fitted it in the door and and as I unlocked the door I wondered if there was something wrong with Tom, Dick and Harry. I found out in a few moments that their wasn’t because I realized that in the darkness I had gotten them mixed up and I actually had taken the key from Tom and Dick was the one who had spoken that maybe there was a key for the door. Since Tom always spoke first and the brother’s voices were similar my mistake was explainable.
The door opened and we blinked in the light of the room which came from twelve glittering crystal chandeliers and eighteen stained glass windows. Considering the fact that the chandeliers and windows were quite large the fact that the room was only twenty feet by twenty feet made things seem a bit odd and out of proportion.
Seated in gilded chairs at the opposite end of the room were three very beautiful ladies, each with a crown on her hair. But all were different, one had golden hair, another had hair black as midnight, and the third had hair that was red as fire.
“Which of you are Princess Beautifulia?” Tom said.
“I am.” all three of the princess replied simultaneously as they stood to their feet.
“Will the real Princess Beautifulia please stand up.” Dick said. As all three princesses were already standing up this didn’t seem to be his most brilliant moment but since Rella was blocking his view into the room and he was unaware of what was going on in there his supposed foolishness may perhaps be understood to be somewhat of intelligence.
I was waiting for Harry to say something like, “What’s for lunch” or “Have you got anything to eat?” but instead I say him enter the room for underneath one of the glittering chandeliers was a box filled with chocolate candy. Harry picked up a piece and ate it and instantly changed into a rat! In fact he looked almost identical to the talking rat who had led us to Princess Beautifulia and I wondered whether the other rat had also eaten of the chocolate and become a rat and what we were going to do about Harry and where Princess Beautifulia was.

However I didn’t long have to worry about where Princess Beautifulia was for at that moment the door opened and in stepped the most beautiful princess any of us had ever seen and even Marcus wouldn’t have argued the point. Just for the record I am not a princess.
The beautiful princess said in a calm clear voice, “I am Princess Beautifulia. These are my decoys, my protection, my loyal bodyguards… and in case you were wondering,” she said to me with a slightly amused smile, “I am quoting from a very famous movie.” then she became very serious as she said, “Have you come to rescue me?”
“Yes, more or less.” I said. “You see we are trying destroy the the two dark lords and the currently plan to do so this is for us to take you and then proclaim a grand tournament for the two dark lords and say that the winner will marry you. One of the dark lords will probably destroy the others and probably be wounded himself then all of the knights and warriors who choose to do so may challenge the dark lord and the one that finally kills him will win! And we’ll have no more dark lords.”
“I see.” The princess said. “So where are we going?”
“Back to the castle in the valley” I said, “I don’t think I know what it’s name is but it’s where the Aged Lore-master lives.
“Ah, ” Princess Beautifulia said, “I know where you mean. How are we going to get there?”
“Probably on the magic carpet. I suppose we’d better go now.”
I was about to lead the way out of the door when I suddenly remembered, or perhaps realized or noticed, a few things. One was that the rat who had guided us here location was unknown and that I probably wouldn’t remember the way out myself, the other thing was that Harry was still a rat and that the chocolate that turned him into a rat might be a useful possession to have on hand in case anybody needed turning into a rat and as I walked over to the table to take the chocolate I noticed a latch one one of the stained glass windows. I opened the window and far below I could down into the courtyard we had come in by and where the three dead dragons lay decaying in the sun. I could also see that the magic carpet was lying right where we had left it.
“Princess Scheherize” I said, “Do you think you could call the magic carpet up to the window?”
“Most certianly.” Princess Scheherize said and she called the carpet up and we got on it, all of us including the three bodyguards of the Princess Beautifulia and it was somewhat of a tight squeeze with all of our belongings on the carpet as well. Fortunately Harry didn’t take up much room now.
We were about to fly off when Harry mentioned that he’d like to stop by the store again and pick up some cheese that was 95% off as he felt very much in the mood for eating cheese. We stopped by the store and Marcus went in with Harry to get the cheese. Marcus had the highest resistance to stores of our company. I knew that it would be a very good idea for me not to go in the store again if we wanted to get back to Tresed before sundown.
When Harry and Marcus came out of the store about five minutes later all marveled at their quickness and we went on.
Harry began eating some of his cheese and that reminded us that we hadn’t yet had lunch so we had lunch while the flying carpet carried us along at a very quick pace for I had asked Princess Scheherize to speed up the carpet as fast as it would so that our journey would be shoreter. The journey back should usually take up a less time than the journey to you see.
It was now probably two or three in the afternoon but before many hours had elapsed we saw the city of Tresed beneath us. We didn’t stop there though. On and on we went and more hours passed but Princess Scheherize had sped up the flying carpet quite a bit and we were now going in a direct line and were not stopping to shop so before sundown we were back at the castle where the adventure had started from, more or less.
We landed in the courtyard and went into the castle and I inquired where the Aged Lore-master was and was informed that he was in the garden. With the rest of of the company following me I lead the way to the garden hoping that there wouldn’t be any bugs to irritate me while I was telling the news of our journey to the Aged Lore-master.
9/19/05
We were soon in the garden and I saw the aged lore-master. I was about to tell him about our mission and the success thereof but the Aged Lore-master held up his hand and said, “We must call council at once. New tidings have come to hand.”

Chapter Five
Things speed up a bit and there may be a battle!

A council was called and all of us went to it. Nearly everybody who had been there before was at the council and there were several additions, including the princess Beautifulia and the other members of our company that we had picked up during our travels. Also there was a hooded and cloaked individual who stood in a corner and seemed very mysterious. The Aged Lore-master began speaking. “Shortly after your departure we learned that the information about the two dark lords was slight erroneous.”
I listened intently, as did all of the other members of our company hoping that the past twenty five pages of adventure that we had just gone through to find Princess Beautifulia were not going to be wasted.
“There are, in fact, three dark lords who are fighting and not two as we thought earlier. However only two of them are interested in Princess Beautifulia and currently those two are fighting hard against the third dark lord who is far more powerful than either and I think that it would be best if we should let these three dark lords fight it out amongst each other. Perhaps when the third dark lord is destroyed then we take thought for other plans about the destruction of the two dark lords In the meantime there is a task which is rather urgent. The garrison at Nroca is about to be attacked by a large army. This place is the primary defense of this whole valley and land and if it is taken then things will not go so well for us here. You should go there as quickly a possible to defend this area, I think there are those among you with the military experience and wisdom for this job.
The Aged Lore-master paused for a moment, “I propose that since great wisdom, intelligence, and military knowledge is necessary for this task that the leader of the company for this mission should be…”
Nearly everyone was listening intently. I felt certain that I wasn’t going to be chosen for I had no actual military experience, though I had read about many wars and what to do etc. Tom was looking hopeful but Dick was primarily looking at Rella and Harry was sitting back thinking about cheese and chocolate.
Marcus stood as still and tall as a statue and his face was emotionless.
“I think that the best leader for this task would be Marcus.” the Aged Lore-master finally said.
“I accept the mission with pleasure and we shall be starting immediately!” Marcus said in his best military manner.
“Excellent.” the Aged Lore-master said. “Council dismissed.”
Considering the amount of debate that had happened in the council that day I couldn’t help wondering why a council had been summoned at all and I also had somewhat gloomy thoughts about what the adventure might be like with Marcus as the leader of the company. I felt that there probably would be a lot less shopping now.
Apparently Princess Scheherize didn’t think that it would be much fun and as we walked out she told Earnest that might be a good idea to return on the flying carpet to Tresed since being made a widow in a battle was certainly not her idea of a honeymoon. Earnest didn’t think that her fears were quite justified but a delightful sort of honeymoon in Tresed sounded like a grand idea so he and Princess Scheherize said farewell and got on the flying carpet and flew of and were gone.

This seemed to be a general signal for several other members of the company all seemed to remember something else that they needed to do and promptly became ex-members of the company. Finally just Marcus, Tom, Dick, and Harry, Rella, Everybody, Nobody, and myself were left. Then Nobody stated that he had to complete his geographical thesis which was due in three years and he left. We were now down to six members of the company and Marcus was not looking too pleased.
“You know,” I said suddenly, “I think their might be a sale somewhere…”
“No.” Marcus said rather forcibly.
“You don’t think there is one?” I said, very disappointedly.
“That wasn’t exactly what I meant.” Marcus said, “What I meant was this, if you’re thinking you can get out of this adventure so easily you are greatly mistaken. The others can leave but you are second in charge of this adventure and you are going!”
“Shopping.” I added in order to complete his sentence, “Should a suitable opportunity arise.” I lauged slighty then became serious agian, “But I’ll go to the aid of the garrison of Nroca. Are all of you coming as well?” I asked Everybody, Rella, Tom, Dick, and Harry.
“Yes!” they unanimously shouted.
“Good.” Marcus said, “Then let’s be off.”
We were about to walk out of the castle gates when I asked Marcus, “Would you mind if the second in command arranged for transportation?”
“Providing it would get us to Nroca faster than if we walked, I don’t mind.” He said.
“I think it will, even if we should take a shopping detour.”
“No shopping until after the army attacking Nroca is defeated.”
“Well,” I said, “I suppose that would bring about their defeat much more quickly, especially if we pass an interesting store with a sale.” Then I whistled rather loudly and clearly.
A few moments later six beautiful white winged horses flew down from far away on the heights of the encircling mountains and landed. We mounted and I said, “To Nroca!” And we were off!
“Technically I’m supposed to say that.” Marcus mentioned.
“You can say something like it now.” I said, “And forget I said it earlier.”
“To the aid of the garrison of Nroca!” Marcus said very impressively.
“It might be a good idea to decide on a plan of action, or at least discuss some, while we are on our way to Nroca.” Tom said.
“Yes, we should plan the defeat and defense of Nroca!” Dick said.
“I wonder if they’ll have any cheese there.” Harry said as he clung very tightly to the winged horse he was riding. Harry in his enchanted shape was a bit larger than a normal rat but still he was small and he did no want to fall off.
Nroca was not very far away and the winged horses flew quickly and soon we could see it in the distance. At a point where two mountains stood at a slight distance away from each other there was a wall which connected the two and a fortress seemed built over the road that lead from one side of the mountains to the other.
We soon landed at Nroca. From the air we had see a shadowy something coming somewhat rapidly down the road towards Nroca. As soon as we landed and had dismounted the winged horses flew off and I noticed that there were a lot of oak trees about.
However there was little time to notice things for the commander of the garrison of Nroca quickly came towards us.
Marcus stepped forward, “We’ve been sent by the Aged Lore-master to aid you.”
“Excellent.” the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca said, “I’m glad he’s heard the news of our peril.” Then he looked behind us and then back at us and said, “When will the army arrive?”
“I have not heard that one is being sent out.” Marcus said with just the slightest hint of annoyance in his voice.
“Well, then” the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca said. He looked a little disappointed then he brightened up, “However considering the intelligence of the Aged Lore-master he wouldn’t have sent just you if if he didn’t consider you to be sufficient to defeat the approaching army. I suppose you would like to look over the position?”
“Naturally.” Marcus said. The Commander of the Garrison at Nroca now led the way through the castle and the walls and he and Marcus carefully discussed ever point of defense and offense and what strength they had and discussed plans of defense while I walked along and paid very little attention for I was bored but I still was looking around hoping that somewhere in Nroca there might be a place to go shopping. There wasn’t.
At last we stood on the battlements above the gates of the castle and looked out down the road towards where the attacking army was coming from. Far in the distance we could see something coming towards us. It seemed to be a dark mass of swiftly moving shapes. One of the watchers on the wall suddenly made the comment, “That’s odd…”
“What is?” the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca quickly asked.
“Unless my eyesight is extensively misleading me it would appear as though our adversaries are juxtaposition to the quagmire that is barely a league distant from this position. It must be an optical illusion though for from the magnitude of the army one would infer that they were fully three leagues away.”
“Maybe it’s an army of pigmies.” I said before Tom, Dick and Harry who were trying to figure out what the guard had just said could say anything.
“You’re right, there is something odd about that army.” Marcus said, taking no noticed of what I had said, “Have you a telescope here?”
“A what?” the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca said.
Marcus was about to explain further when I fished into my pack and pulled out a telescope that I had bought at the store in the Tower of Nesirp for 95 percent off.
Marcus took the telescope and looked into it and saw something that surprised him. “It appears to be…” he said then paused.
“Anteaters.” I said.
“Yes,” Marcus began, then looked at me, “How did you know?”
“Well, for one thing, I’m the authoress and I know everything that is known in the story and for another thing there are a lot of oak trees and acorns around and unless it has been forgotten these anteaters are after acorns.”
“The ant eaters are after acorns!” the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca said. “No wonder then that they are coming here. We have a whole store house full of acorns that we were going to plant in the spring and start a new forest growing and…”
“But what are we going to do about the anteaters?” Marcus said, “I know military tactics for fighting men but I’ve never yet cross swords with an anteater.”
“Ant eaters typically don’t use swords.” Dick said, not waiting for his older brother to speak.
“Do you have any cheese here?” Harry said.
“Have you any ideas?” Marcus said turning to me.
“Lots and none at all.” I said, somewhat absently mindedly.
“What exactly do you mean?”
“I have lots of ideas but not necessarily any about what to do about the anteaters.”
Rella then stepped forward.”I don’t really think that there is much peril, after all, what can the anteaters do? And could they even enter this place? They don’t have ladders and I don’t really think that they can do much so why worry?”
Suddenly she stopped talking for all eyes were suddenly drawn further down the road where they say another distant force moving down the road. Marcus pulled up out the telescope and looked intently in it’s direction before saying,
“It appears as though the anteaters won’t be the only force we will have to reckon with. It looks like ten thousand cruel Sretsnoms are heading in our direction.”
There was silence for a few minutes.

“What exactly are Sretsnom?” Dick asked Rella in a whisper.
“Very fierce and deadly creatures that faintly resemble a mixture of bears, wolves, and hedgehogs.” Rella replied, “I’ve fought one or two before and just one of them is often able to defeat five opponents at the same time. In large groups they are almost invincible.”
“I suppose they are servants of the dark lord?” Dick asked after digesting the previous bit of information.
“Well, they would make very clumsy servants.” Rella said, “But they are soldiers of whatever Dark lord is in charge of them. I think each of the dark lords have some of them.”
Dick nodded and then he and Rella began paying attention to Marcus and the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca who were discussing the best course of action.
The anteaters were nearly to the castle but they were no longer a concern in comparison to the Sretsnoms who were rapidly approaching. Several captains came up and the talk was all of war and defense and provisions and questions on such subjects as to whether or not the Sretsnoms were impervious to arrows or not.
I paid attention for a little while but I really didn’t enjoy what I was hearing and some of it I didn’t understand and some of it, to me, was boring. In order to otherwise occupy my mind I reached into my pack and looked for something that would occupy it. I found quite a lot of fabric, and that I enjoyed looking at a bit but as I was not entirely insensible to what was being talked about I wondered if perhaps I ought to do something for it seemed as though the odds were against us, in fact the situation looked rather black and night was falling rapidly and we could only see the enemy now by the light of the torches they were bearing.
I leaned back and felt as though I probably could have been more original if I hadn’t just watched the battle of Helms Deep in The Two Towers. Not that Sretsnoms are anything like Orcs, for one thing, they are a lot more prickly and don’t resemble humans as much.
Marcus turned towards me to ask a question and I hastily put the fabric that I was holding back and then pretended I was looking for something useful in my pack while Marcus asked me whether I could call a winged horse down so that a messenger could be sent to the Aged Lore-maser as speedily as possible to inform him of this new turn in events.
I said, “Possibly” while digging around in the pockets of my pack and I suddenly came across something useful. It was the users guide or owners manual for my pack.
Marcus went back to talking to leaders of the defense and I opened up the owners guide for my pack and began to read the table of contents.
That in itself was fascinating reading. However when I saw the chapter entitled, “Long Range Weapons” I stopped reading the table of contents and flipped over to that chapter and began reading about the long range gun built into my pack and all of the accessories that weren’t included but that one could purchase separately for a small fortune. However what was included in my pack looked capable of taking down a couple of Sretsnoms per shot and it fired at a rate of thirty shots per second. “Did I read that right?” I thought, “Thirty shots per second?”
I couldn’t help but feel a little pleased with myself. Here was a chance to be quite useful and a chance to put in some educational problems into this story. I stood up and began figuring out where exactly the gun was and the controls and while I did so I set these math problems out for you to answer. Assuming that the gun can kill between three and five Sretsnoms per shot and there are exactly ten thousand Sretsnoms and the gun can fire thirty times times a second what is the minimum amount of time need to destroy all of the Sretsnoms? And what is the maximum time needed assuming that every time I fire I kill either three, four, or five Sretsnoms?
I didn’t bother to figure out the answer to these questions for while looking for further instruction on the aiming and firing of the gun I saw that there was an instant demolition setting which seemed to be even better. However it could only be fired once per hour.
I got the gun ready and aimed and fired. Unfortunately my aiming isn’t that good so directly to the right of the opposing army a very large crater was made and fortunately on the edge of it a few of the Sretsnoms were hit and some of the others were knocked over by the shock.
The recoil of the gun would have knocked me over if it hadn’t been for some fancy setting on my pack that prevented any ill effects from happening to the one who had fired the gun. Marcus and the others all turned towards me.
“What did you just do?” Marcus asked quickly and eagerly.
“I missed.” I said rather dejectedly.
9/20/05
“I meant…” Marcus began but at that moment the anteaters arrived at the front gate. We soon found that we had really underestimated what the anteaters could do for their teeth were much hardened by eating so many acorns and they started gnawing on the great wooden gates in order to get through to the acorns on the other side.
“What now?” somebody said.
“Perhaps if we throw a lot of acorns over the walls they’ll just eat them and go away.” Tom said.
“Maybe we should put up a gate made of metal instead of one made of wood.” Dick said.
“Maybe we could tell them that they ought eat ants instead,” Harry said, then he added, “And then take a break ourselves and eat something.”
Marcus didn’t look as though he was ready to take any of those suggestions and seemed to be planning the demise of the anteaters. “Perhaps if we position the archers on the walls over there…” he began but I added, “The Sretsnoms will be much more difficult to defeat and it would doubtless be best to save the arrows for them.” I said. “And besides that, I’d kind of prefer not to have all of the anteaters die on the field of battle just because they are hungry for acorns. I wish they were eating ants though…” I looked down over the walls to where, directly below me, the anteaters were busy eating the gates, though perhaps I should say gnawing on he gates for they weren’t really digesting the wood but merely gnawing it and then spitting it out again and then go back for another bite.
I really wasn’t sure what to do here. My eldest brother had counseled me against doing an epic battle scene in my story and my mother wasn’t that fond of violence and I wasn’t quite sure myself what to do next.
However since there hadn’t been a sword fight in here in a while I decided that perhaps that might be the next thing to do.
Marcus had, while I was debating, gone of to attend to other matters of defense but Tom, Dick, Harry, Rella, and Everybody were still with me. I pulled out a sturdy rope out of my pack and tied it firmly to the stone parapet, something I may mention I probably couldn’t have done in actual life, and then I said to my companions, “Let’s make a sortie and see what we can do to drive away the anteaters and perhaps convince them to go eat ants again.”
The six of us clambered down the rope. Harry went down last and a trifle nervously hoping that anteaters didn’t like eating rats.
We drew our swords but instead of using them we instead just kicked some of the anteaters away from the gates and then I attempted to make a grand speech.

“Anteaters, Anteaters, and Anteaters, lend me your ears! For I come to make a speech and not to bury Caesar!”
There was a slight pause and the anteaters looked in my direction. I was fervently wishing that I could remember more of that speech about Caesar but I couldn’t remember anymore of it but I had to say something so I went on
“I do not know what hath bewitched you but you seem to be forgetting that your primary purpose in life is to eat ants!” I paused for dramatic emphasis and to try and figure out what to say next.
“Yes, your name even tells you that you are Ant Eaters.” Dick said since Tom didn’t say anything. Harry was silent as well for both brothers were too surprised at Dick’s talking without waiting for Tom to first speak to say anything.

Around this time, though we didn’t realize it, a sentry walked down the wall and being that there was a pause in the negotiations down below he didn’t realize that we were down there. What he did realize was that there was a rope leading to the outside of the castle where it shouldn’t be and like the very conscientious guard he was he promptly untied it and let it drop.
Harry noticed this but before mentioning it all our eyes turned to look down the road for we could here a very loud noise. Down the road we could see that the front lines of the Sretsnoms had just arrived in view of the fortress of Nroca. They had very prickly looking spears.
The anteaters looked at them for a few seconds and then quickly decided that they had some ants to eat some where else and left very quickly.
I turned around a few moments later and noticed that the rope was no longer where I had left it. Harry looked somewhat worried. Even at that distance the Sretsnoms looked large enough to squash someone of his stature with a single stomp. I wasn’t exactly pleased about the situation either.
Another uncomfortable thought was that I had left my pack back up on the wall and not only did I no longer have the long range weapon technology that it afforded but if I got thirsty I couldn’t access the supply of milk! I was more worried about the first problem than the second though.
I suppose the most logical and reasonable thing to do in the situation was to yell to Marcus or anybody else up on the walls that we were down here and that we ought to be up there and to haul us up on ropes or open the gates and get us in there as quickly as possible before the Sretsnoms arrived.
However if that happened the story might be a little less interesting so none of us suggested such a thing, though I’m sure that Harry thought of it. Also, there was something else, the gates had been greatly damaged by the ant eaters and since the Sretsnoms had probably brought several battering rams with them, in fact I could see several being carried by the Sretsnoms as they were rapidly getting closer, I thought that it would probably be a noble and brave thing to guard the gates.
However I think that if I had known as much about Sretsnoms as Rella did I probably would not have taken the course of action.
We made a line of battle. I stood in the front center. To my right and a little behind me was Rella. To her right was Dick who, I think, was there because he wanted to stand next to Rella. Tom stood to my right, Everbybody stood beside Tom and Harry stood behind all of us and with his back towards us and his face towards the gate looking for a crevice large enough to get in through. He found one and the defenders outside the gates of Nroca were reduced to five.
In case you have forgotten, ten thousand Sretsnoms were on their way to attack us, though about three hundred of them had become entangled in the edges of a crater. So the odds were about 5 to 9,700 or if you want to reduce things 1 to 1,940.
Though there probably was some error in that calculation since it probably wasn’t exactly three hundred Sretsnoms that were now demised and I was forgetting that the garrison of Nroca was behind us and would be sure to help in the matter.
The Sretsnoms were now rather close. If I had not already drawn my sword I probably would have done so now and if it wasn’t for the fact that the story me was a bit different, in fact, quite a lot different, than the actual me I probably wouldn’t have remained standing there, in fact I probably wouldn’t even have gone to Nroca.
Fortunately for us the Sretsnoms didn’t seem to have any archers however, unfortunately, they did have the quills of a porcupines and also, unfortunately, they could throw these with great skill and accuracy, however, also fortunately for us, whoever had sent this army out had thought that armor was a necessary thing for soldiers to have and so had equipped all with armor that fortunately covered their quills.
Marcus apparently had noticed the close proximity of the Sretsnoms and he ordered the archers who were now positioned on the walls to let fly a volley. This effectually diminished the front line of soldiers and even went so far as to go into the second line however as the Sretsnoms were marching only fifty in line it was but a drop in the bucket, though a rather sizable one.
The archers reloaded but several of the Sretsnoms were now rapidly running towards us and some of them made it, only to meet there doom at the hands of our company. I jabbed one but the stroke didn’t exactly kill him but he was finished off by Tom. I really didn’t like this as I had a somewhat weak stomach when it came to blood and I began to wonder why I had gotten myself into this. My reason told me it was probably a combination of watching too much Lord of the Rings(especially the Battle at Helm’s Deep) and the desire to have some action in the story and to fill in some of the final pages.
However I really didn’t have much time to think for in a few more moments the Sretsnoms were on us in force and I was busy. Fortunately for us the plan of Marcus’s to pour boiling oil on the attackers of the gate had been abandoned due to the lack of oil.
The fight had been going on for about five minutes, though it seemed to me like it had been going on for much longer than that, when Marcus finally noticed that we weren’t where he thought we were. About that same time Harry, who had found a way to reenter the fortress arrived where Marcus was and informed him where we were.
Marcus quickly went to the wall above the gate and looked down and saw where we were.
“Get a rope or a ladder or something.” he ordered and somebody brought a rope and he tossed it over the wall.
Tom, being very intelligent, quickly noticed the rope and scrambled up without even being told. Everybody also noticed the rope and he mentioned it to the rest of us before scrambling up.
Dick said to Rella, “Ladies first.” and Rella then flashed him a beautiful smile which he couldn’t see because she was wearing a helmet with the visor down and she clambered up.
Apparently forgetting what he had just said Dick clambered up after her and Marcus called down to me.
I now noticed that with the exception of over nine thousand Sretsnoms I was now the only one down there and that there was a rope which I quickly grabbed and wished that I knew how to climb a rope.
Fortunately for me Marcus knew how to pull one up and he very quickly did so and then asked me, “What was that?”
“I think it was a rope.” I said, trying to be funny though more for you the reader’s benefit than for his.
I then quickly went over to my pack and pulled out a container of milk and quickly drained about half of it, it was a half gallon container, and then I pulled out the user manuel and began looking at ways to get rid of the army of Sretsnoms.

However I didn’t really have to worry about the problem for at that moment twelve battalions of soldiers under a different dark lord showed up and promptly started attacking the Sretsnoms. A few moments later from a different direction there came an army even larger than the other two put together from the third dark lord and they quickly began attacking the other two armies and fortunately none of them seemed to be bothering themselves about attacking us.
Around this time I managed to locate the chapter on long range weapons and looked up to see what was going on. Since the battle was no longer a pressing thing for me to concentrate on I began wondering how I was going to fit this battle into the story in such a way that became an important event and very necessary to the plot instead of merely a side adventure to take up space.
I believe I’ve neglected to mention something about the geography fo the place. The gates of Nroca faced to the North and it was from there that the Sretsnoms had come from. The other army had come form the East and the third army had come from the West.
As I looked towards the West I noticed that there seemed to be a command center being set up in the rear of the army and one of the tents bore the banner of one of the dark lords. That particular dark lord I have referred to in the past as the Third Dark Lord and I think he’ll still maintain that title. He was considered by the Aged Lore-master to be the most powerful of the three dark lords and to be a considerable threat to the world in general and he was also preventing the quest that I had gone on from being any use at present.
I called into the air as I put the user manual for my pack back into the pack and slung the pack back onto my shoulders and jumped onto the winged horse that had come at my call wondering how many more times I could fit the words pack and back into this sentence before it became monotonous. However more important things were happening so I decided not to try.
The winged horse swiftly bore me towards the command center in the west and although quite a few arrows were shot at me and the winged horse I now had my pack on and the force field prevented any harm befalling us.
The horse was rapidly gaining momentum and as I didn’t really like the idea of leaving it on the ground when I took care of business while it was still briskly flying I lept off right on top of the tent that had the largest banner affixed on to it.
However I wasn’t quite as effective as a house dropped by a tornado and I don’t I even seriously injure anything beneath me though I did manage to tear a hole in the roof of the tent and hurt myself slightly.
I was a bit dazed but I shook it off, another thing I probably wouldn’t have been able to do in real life, and looked up and there before me, swathed in a dark shadowy cloak, stood the Third Dark Lord.
He was terrifying. Everything about him seemed to black except for the red flame that danced in his eyes.
“Who, and What are you?” the Third Dark Lord asked in a terrifying growling voice.
“Elizabeth Von Fange and I’m a writer” I said. while I attempted to think up a plan.
“A writer…” the Third Dark Lord said with disgust.
“Well, there is an old saying that the pen is mightier than the sword.” I said as I drew my sword and quickly slashed his head off, “And in that case the pen is mighty indeed.” I said as I walked out of the tent while cleaning my blade and then sheathing it.
Now some of you may be thinking that this was much to easy, and they are right. It should have been much more difficult to defeat that particular dark lord especially since he was considered to be more of a threat than the other two put together. However the Third Dark Lord’s primary threat was that he had larger armies and more resources and was also a lot more intelligent than the other two dark lords and he was not necessarily known for his personal prowess. I’m not known for that either but in this story I wielded a mighty blade and I also felt that the battle was now quite long enough.
With one of the dark lords dead the battle was now a useful part of the story and I quickly called the winged horse to pick me up and I managed to escape without a wound. I was quite pleased about that. My thoughts were now busy with the question of when I might be going shopping next though I still was able to spare a thought or two for the battle.
It seemed to be going well from our point of view for there were a whole lot less of the fighters actively fighting than there had been when the battle started. I think that the Sretsnoms were getting the best of the battle, probably because they were only type of soldier I had actually given a name or a description to and I didn’t know how to refer to other armies.
When I arrived back Marcus asked me where I’d been and I replied, “I was making sure that the battle wouldn’t be a useless adventure.”
“I see.” He said and then he said, “A messenger just rode in with urgent tidings. You’ll probably want to hear them.”
I went down to hear the urgent tidings that the messenger had brought.
As soon as he saw me he said, “Princess Beautifulia has been captured along with the whole castle and the Aged Lore-master is being held a prisoner. I alone escaped from to tell you!”
The messenger then fainted for he had run all the way to Nroca at a very quick pace and was quite tired. I pondered the tidings wondering how in the short amount of time that I had been away from the castle that anybody could have captured it and how they could have done so and still left time for the messenger to arrive on foot so soon after we had gotten there ourselves.
I suppose it’s bad policy to point out possible holes in plot and reason in a story but sometimes one may do it to offer an explanation however that is not the case here.
I ran back up to where Marcus was and told him that we were probably needed more urgently back at the castle than here and I then called the winged horses who were to take us back while Marcus informed the Commander of the Garrison at Nroca that we were going and advised him to refrain from fighting unless attacked until one side or other won and then he was to see that the survivors didn’t survive much longer after it.
Then we all mounted and road off. Harry once again clung very tightly to the winged horse he was riding. We were rapidly heading towards the castle when suddenly we saw three very large and fierce looking vultures flying towards us along with eight owls and two dragons.
When he saw the vultures Harry clutched even tighter and when he saw the owls he began wishing that the was himself again and not a rat, in order to be educational I shall here mention that most owls eat small furry animals, and when Harry saw the the dragons he started wishing to be himself again even harder than before.
At that moment a pretty little fairy dressed all in blue appeared in front of Harry and said in a musical, poetical voice
“When you wish for something hard enough it often comes true!” And with that she waved her little blue wand and Harry found himself himself again and turned and thanked the blue fairy very heartily for her kindness before one of the vultures tried to eat her. The little blue fairy quickly decided to disappear with a puff of blue smoke and Harry quickly drew his sword and slashed at the vulture and hit it and it toppled down very nicely and didn’t move again.
Harry was a lot more cheerful now but Everybody wasn’t. This was primarily due to the fact that Everybody was almost always cheerful and the fact that Harry had just killed a vulture added very little to his overall cheerfulness.
The two dragons looked like they were going to be a problem for as the came on they were discussing how they were going to roast and eat us as though they hadn’t heard what had happened to the last dragons who had discussed that. However if they had they might not have felt that they had any cause for worry for their were no stores behind them with 95% off signs. Or so they thought.
However if there was anything of the sort behind them I could not see it and I was now pulling out the long range gun from my pack. I did feel as though i was using more science fiction stuff in this story than was good for an epic fantasy adventure though. However fantasy does take in a lot of territory.
9/21/05
Marcus meanwhile was speeding up his winged horse and soon had caught up with one of the dragons, or perhaps i should say that their paths intersected and to be even more precise Marcus’s sword intersected with the dragon and Marcus went on and the dragon went down.
This just left one and this one I shot with the long range gun and saw that it worked very efficiently. The remaining vulture decided to have Dragon for lunch and the owls suddenly decided to fly away.
We kept on flying towards the castle and soon we could see it.
While flying I was thinking that I really should have given the castle a name but since the story is almost over and since I haven’t bothered to do so yet I think it shall just be The Castle.
We landed cautiously though to our eyes nothing seemed wrong. The sentries were all at their posts and everything looked as normal it could be.
We went in and then things stopped being normal for the castle gift shop had a sign in it’s window that said, “Everything 96%” off. I rushed forward although faintly behind me I seemed to hear Marcus saying, “Wait, it might be a tra…” but I paid no heed.
I entered the store and looked for sales but what I saw were two dark lords who immediately proceeded to say several Muhahahahaha’s in terrifying voices and the bars of a cage fell over me and I was trapped. Then one of the dark lords said, “You’ve fallen into our trap nicely young fool!” Though that wasn’t strictly true because the trap had fallen over me instead of me falling into it. I was somewhat glad that I wasn’t being called an old fool but I wasn’t very glad at all otherwise. For one thing nothing was on sale and there were several very pretty things in the store I liked that had much too expensive prices. I suppose in our world I probably would have been more upset about the presence of the dark lords than the absence of a sale but one never really knows what one will do until it happens.
One of the dark lords made a motion and I in the cage was carried by several strange creatures to the large throne room. There I saw that several other important persons, including the Aged Loremaster, were also in cages. Princess Beautifulia stood in a cage as well and she looked regal and frightened which two looks usually don’t go together.
Marcus soon rushed into the throne room followed closely by Everybody, Rella, Tom, Dick, and Harry but a large cage was thrown over them as well and they were caught. The the two dark lords started another round of Muhahahahaha’s and then did something that I couldn’t quite see and said something I didn’t understand and were were all turned into stone statues of ourselves and though we were aware of what went on we couldn’t do anything about it.
Princess Beautifulia made a lovely statue but Dick thought that Rella looked nicer for Princess Beautifulia was terrified and Rella was not. Also Dick was not in love with Princess Beautifulia though I’m not saying definitely that Dick is in love with Rella though I have strong suspicions about it. And are his feelings returned Will Dick and Rella marry? Who is going to be the lucky one who gets Princess Beautifulia? Will I get to go shopping again in the story? And how are we going to turn back to ourselves? Well, I think, though I’m not going to guarantee it, that the answers to those questions might possibly be in the next chapter and if you are the sort of person who only reads a chapter a day then I hope you enjoy the cliffhanger.

Chapter Six
Probably the Grand Finale

Now at the moment I shall recap the situation in case you have forgotten any of the details that I mentioned and also perhaps to mention some details that haven’t even told yet.
Currently just about all of the main characters, including the me in the story though the me who is typing is alright otherwise and you wouldn’t be reading this since I wouldn’t be able to type it if the me writing this had been hurt, have all been turned into stone statues by two dark lords who it seems, have decided to team up with each other in order to defeat the Third Dark Lord who, unbeknownst to them, is already defeated.
The doors of the throne room we are now in are carefully guarded by quite a few monsters of varying descriptions and terrifyingness. And there aren’t any windows which will allow a band of rescuers to come in.
So in fact, things look pretty dark for us at present for the Dark lords have taken some very serious precautions to make sure that their evil schemes will take place. However there is something, or perhaps I should say Somebody, whom they have overlooked. You the reader! Yes, I thought perhaps you would enjoy reading this story more if you actually got to participate in it and then maybe when I get something published you might possibly be more apt to buy it…
Anyway all that you have to do to save this entire kingdom from the two dark lords and change us all back from being stone statues is to blink your left eye twice and your right eye once and then raise your left hand and say, “Bethjoy”. I must admit that I was greatly tempted to have you say, “I will purchase two copies of Elizabeth’s book when she finally publishes one” but I decided against it. After all, one really shouldn’t make too obvious a sales pitch for a book that may never actually be published and hasn’t been written yet inside another book.
So I’m assuming you’ve either done that or about to do that so I’ll give you an opportunity now.

Here is your opportunity to be a great hero from the comforts of wherever you happen to be

I’m assuming you did it and now we can go on with the story…
There was a huge crashing noise and it seemed as though a covering of stone was broken off all of us and most of us breathed a sigh of relief and the two dark lords did not look to pleased, amongst other things it was probably because several projectiles of broken stone had hit them.
9/23/05
I now drew my sword. and quickly rushed forward. Quickly I slashed at one of the dark lords and I actually succeeded in killing him. However the remaining dark lord was impervious to any wound given by a sword as we soon found out and he started Muhahahahahaing again while several others were busy removing the threat of the various monsters from the room.
The remaining dark lord seemed to be a serious problem for swords were about the only weapon in the room. I was about to reach into my pack for the long range gun but instead as I reached into the pack I felt a box I’d nearly forgotten about. I drew it out and then said, “Well, it seems as though you are a foe we can’t defeat. Will you have some chocolate while we discuss terms of slavery for us and the other free lands with you as the tyrannical lord?” I opened the box of chocolate and the dark lord grinned wickedly and said, “Don’t mind if I do.” and he promptly ate a piece of chocolate and promptly turned into a rat just as Harry had done so when he had eaten from that box of chocolate way back in Chapter Four.
There was a large mouse trap nearby and Marcus, quickly noticing what had had happened, rushed over and got it but before he could bring it back to make use of it a ranger shot with a great bow of yew and missed the dark rat which was now scampering madly about. Marcus couldn’t catch it and neither could anybody else. It’s squeaks were sounding more like “Help! Help! Help!” than “Muhahahaha”.
Fortunately the throne room was pretty well sealed off and the dark rat couldn’t find an exit. I meanwhile was digging in my pack and soon found a large ornate birdcage I’d bought in Tresed since it was such a good bargain and I now walked over to the part of the room where the dark rat was now scampering and I set down the birdcage with the door open and told the dark rat, “Enter this and your life will be spared.” He entered quite rapidly.
I shut and locked the door and then I was about to lean back with a sigh of relief when I noticed Harry and quickly asked, “How did you stop being a rat?”
A little blue fairy showed up and granted me a wish!” he said.
“I see.” I said and promptly pulled out a sheet of paper and a pencil from my pack and I wrote on it, “Don’t grant the rat any wishes.” then affixed it to the cage.
Well, that’s settled.” I said. “And now what I wonder?”
The Aged Lore-master was now quite recovered from his imprisonment and being that he was the leader of the room he said, “We shall have a grand feast this evening and celebrate!” This idea seemed like a good one to just about everybody.
Tom, along with half the other young men in the room (Dick wasn’t among them) had rushed over to make certain that Princess Beautifulia was alright and she said that she was and she looked so beautiful as she said it that Tom said, “Will you marry me?”. Princess Beautifulia said “No!”
Dick decided it was time for him to follow in his brother’s footsteps again so he walked over to Rella, it wasn’t a far walk for he’d been standing near her, and dropped to his knees very nicely and said, “Will you be my wife?” very romantically and Rella, to the surprise of some said, “Yes!”
Harry, not to be out done by his brothers walked over the table where the refreshments were laid out and then he said in a very dramatic voice, “Will you be my lunch?” He didn’t receive a reply but he assumed that since there weren’t objections he could go ahead and he started eating while Dick with a smile kissed Rella who seemed to enjoy it very much and Tom stood in a state of shock.
The Aged Lore-master, who I was now standing next too, smiled at the proceedings but he said in a very grave voice, “These events do bring up a rather important question. Who shall marry the Princess Beautifulia?”
Several pondered this question for a moment and then the Aged Lore-master continued, “After all, everybody can’t marry her.”
“And just why not?” Everybody said looking him straight in the eyes.
The Aged lore-master looked confused for a moment until I whispered to him, “His name is Everybody.” Comprehension dawned on the Aged Lore-masters face.
“Well, I suppose the best course of action would be for Princess Beautifulia to decide.”
Princess Beautifulia hearing herself mentioned came over and noticed Everybody and that he was tall and handsome and looked even more in love with her than anyone else she had seen looked and she had also noticed that he was quite powerful in battle having just felled two dragons that I forgot to mention earlier. And Everybody looked at her and in a few moments when each could speak again it was decided that Princess Beautifulia was going to marry Everybody. Nobody was quite happy for his good friend and he was invited to be the best man however there wasn’t that much rejoicing by the other unmarried young men/ But I was quite happy for in the last few paragraphs I now had three engagements formed and that was quite romantic I thought.
The grand feast that evening was very grand but towards the end of it I began to get slightly bored and also ready for the end of this story and I took out the owners manual from my pack and began to read. It was fascinating reading and when I got to the chapter on the operation of the the teleporting device and saw that it would take me several different planets in the Galaxy of Yxalag I thought that perhaps that might be an excellent place to go and have further adventures in for the next book I might write, The First Lengthy Epic Science Fiction Adventure of Elizabeth Joy Von Fange. But that I’ll leave for another time. Suffice it to say that in this story everybody lived happily ever after unless there should be a sequel set in this world which says that they don’t.
THE END and I hope you enjoyed it