A Script Where I Had No Idea Where I Was Going
By Elizabeth Joy Von Fange
INT. Castle Day
You can’t see what the room is like at first for it is a close up shot of Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
Hello, I’m Elizabeth Joy Von Fange and I need to write a script. I have no clue about what I’m going to write but I’m going to write one anyway and you’ll just have to suffer the consequences of it. I need some practice writing scripts you know.
Camera zooms out, you see that Elizabeth is standing in an elaborately furnished medieval room. Sir Dawin enters. He is in full armor and as his visor is down you can’t see much of him.
Sir Dawin
The dragons have just started attacking the castle gates!
Elizabeth
Thanks for telling me! I suppose I’d better go investigate.
Int. Castle Day
Shots of Elizabeth walking through corridors until she comes out to the main courtyard and sees the gates ahead.
Ext. Castle Courtyard Day
Ahead are the gates. Loud roaring noises can be heard and something is battering the gates very loudly.
Sir Dawin
It’s a good thing for us those dragons can’t fly!
Elizabeth
(to camera) Fascinating opening isn’t it? I’m surprised I’m doing so well. I wonder what will happen next!
Sir Marcus
(running in from from around the other side of the castle)
The crows are attacking from the north!
Elizabeth
Crows? That’s absurd.
Sir Marcus
Uh, did I say crows? I meant the sand raiders, of course.
Elizabeth
That’s better, but what are sand raiders?
Large amounts of sand suddenly starting being thrown at them from a northern direction.
Elizabeth
Never mind, I think we’d better deal with them before discussing them.
Sir Marcus
What orders?
Elizabeth
What force have we to oppose them?
Sir Marcus
We could order our fire brigade to pour water over the sand raiders and turn them into mud raiders.
Elizabeth
Excellent Idea, go do it! Now for the dragons.
Elizabeth walks towards the stair way going up to the walls and goes up to the walls and overlooks the dragons who are attacking the gates.
Elizabeth
(talking to herself)
I wonder what to do with these things?
Captain Mort
Do you wish the boiling oil to be poured over the dragons?
Elizabeth
Certainly! (looks pleased) Remarkable isn’t it how all of the problems get solved?
Shot shoes that water is being shot at the sand raiders. Oil is being dumped over the dragons. Both become soggy and unhappy messes.
Sir Henry
That should teach them a lesson.
Elizabeth
Well, what I would like to know is why they were attacking in the first place.
Sir Henry
(surprised)
Why, to steal your priceless diamond necklace of power of course!
Elizabeth
Oh, I’d forgotten about my Priceless Diamond Necklace of Power Of Course.
Sir Walter
I don’t think that it was “Of Course” of you to forget it.
Elizabeth
(puzzled)
What did that… Oh never mind. The point is, they are retreating.
Sir Dawin
For the present, but look! The dragons seem to be doing something!
Elizabeth
It’s too far away for me to see what they are doing clearly.
Sir Walter
I can see them just fine, Some are bathing in the stream and getting the oil off of themselves and the others are felling down trees.
Elizabeth
Oh, that’s what they are doing. I can’t see at that distance. I have 20/400 vision you know and apparently I don’t have my glasses with me.
Sir Walter
Perhaps you ought to go and put on your Diamond Necklace of Power, then you will be able to see clearly.
Elizabeth
Oh, it isn’t the Diamond Necklace of Power of course? I suppose I’ll go get it.
Int. Castle day
Elizabeth walks through the castle, seeming to know her way even though she’s never been there before, consciously that is.
Elizabeth
Considering that I’ve never gone through this castle before I know my way around quite well. I suppose I shouldn’t have pointed that out but it does take up space and after all, that’s the point of this script. Take up a lot of space and get me back into a typing mood…
(she pauses. She has reached a great door that is heavily barred and locked.
Elizabeth
It’s possibly that this might be where the Diamond Necklace of Power is. However, I would say that the door is locked.
She tries the door. It is locked.
Elizabeth
(searches in her pockets
I wonder if I have the key for this door. (pauses) I wonder if I even have pockets. (locks down and decides that she doesn’t. Her red velvet medieval dress is stunning but it doesn’t have pockets.)
Elizabeth
Oh, wait, here’s the key.
She pulls up a necklace and the key is on the end of it. She tries to unlock the door. The locks won’t budge.
Elizabeth
Either this is the wrong door r this is the wrong key or maybe it’s both. Or… (contemplates the matter) It could just be the wrong lock or their could be rust or… Well, the possibilities are just endless.
She puts the key in a different lock and the lock opens. Magically the other locks and bolts all open and the door swings slowly inward. The room is pitch dark inside.
Int. Dark Room Day
Elizabeth steps in and the light of the previous room stays outside.
Elizabeth
It’s dark in here. I suppose today is my day for saying the obvious but really, there isn’t much to see so you may as well hear me talking. Let’s see, what have bumped into? It doesn’t feel like it’s gift wrapped so I doubt it’s a present and even if it was it might not be for me. It doesn’t seem hollow and it feels cold and it’s not moving so I don’t think it’s alive. I think it’s a stone pillar but I could be mistaken about that. I wonder where the light switch is in here. Oh wait (laughs) this is a medieval fantasy story, so there isn’t a light switch.
Sounds of fumbling about are heard
Mysterious Voice
Who are you and what are you doing here?
Elizabeth
My name is Elizabeth Von Fange.
Mysterious Voice
And what are you doing here?
Elizabeth
I’m not entirely sure. I’m looking for a diamond necklace and the light switch only their isn’t a light switch.
Mysterious Voice
In that case you won’t find one so I would advise you to leave before DOOM FALLS UPON YOU
Voice shakes the room. Elizabeth quickly backs up and the door shuts as soon as she is out.
Int. Castle Hallway Day
Sir Walter
(coming from other end of hallway)
Have you got your necklace?
Elizabeth
No, not yet.
Sir Walter
Would you like me to help you get it?
Elizabeth
Yes, thank you.
Sir Walter advances towards the door to the left of the door Elizabeth had gone into and opens it. They enter it with him holding the door open for Elizabeth and allowing her to go first
Int. Castle Treasure Room Day
The room is obviously meant to store treasure in with many locked cases and chests. In the center is a case with seven padlocks. Inside is a gorgeous diamond necklace. Elizabeth steps towards the case and unlock each lock with her key. The case opens and she takes out the necklace and holds it in her hand.
Elizabeth
It is a very pretty necklace, isn’t it?
Sir Walter
(strange gleam coming into his eye)
Yes, it is…
(his whole appearance changes)
And it’s mine now! You fool!
Sir Walter grabs the necklace and makes a dash for the door and his feet are heard retreating down the hallway.
Elizabeth
Well, (regretfully) It was a pretty necklace.
Elizabeth looks around the room and notices a lovely set of pink jewels and starts to examine it. Footsteps are heard in the hall and she turns to see Sir Dawin enter.
Sir Dawin
What happened?
Elizabeth
I think Sir Walter just stole my diamond necklace
Sir Dawin
(indignantly) The traitor! (pause) We were both to steal it!
Sir Dawin runs after Sir Walter
Elizabeth
Well, this complicates the plot a bit, or at least, it would if there was a plot. Currently there really isn’t one but before this is over there probably will be. I suppose I’d better go check on the defense of the castle and maybe order somebody to capture the traitorous knights. (puts other jewels back) I wonder where the handsome prince will show up? Or if there is going to be one. (locks case)
EXT Day Courtyard. near gates
Sir Walter rushes out on his war horse and yells
Sir Walter
Open the gates!!!
Guard
But….
Sir Walter
I said open the gates!!!
Sir Dawin
Stop!
Rushes onto his horse and rides after Sir Walter
Guard
Me?
Sir Dawin
No , you fool. Sir Walter!
Sir Walter
Nothing can stop me!
Sir Walter rides out opened gates and continues to ride along the road laughing at his brilliance. Suddenly his expression of delight changes into an expression of terror as he rides right into the midst of several very unpleasant looking dragons who are still upset about the oil bath they took.
Ext Courtyard
Sir Dawin has just ridden out the gates. Faintly you can here Sir Walter’s cries for help and Sir Dawin, who had pursued him, joins him in another moment. Elizabeth walks out the castle doors towards the gate.
Elizabeth
What did I miss?
Sir Henry
Not much. Sir Walter and Sir Dawin just rushed out of the gates and encountered several dragons who are now carrying them back as prisoners to their lair., or so I would assume from the noise they are making.
Elizabeth
Sir Walter just stole my diamond necklace!
Sir Henry
Which one?
Elizabeth
The one that was kept in the central case and locked with seven padlocks.
Sir Henry
Oh no! Not your Diamond Necklace of Power!!!!
Elizabeth
Apparently so…
Sir Henry
We must do something at once!
Elizabeth
I was hoping some one would make a suggesting
Sir Marcus
We must pursue the dragons at once!!!
Captain Mort
Too late, they’ve already flown off with the prisoners and it’s a hundred to one against finding out where they went too now.
Elizabeth
I thought you said they couldn’t fly?
Sir Henry
I didn’t say that.
Elizabeth
I know you didn’t say it but since I forgot who did and since the dragons have flown off, I suppose we can forget about it.
Sir Henry
Sir Marcus, suppose you take a troop of calvary and scour the surrounding countryside and look for the dragons?
Strider
That won’t be necessary, I know where the dragons are going to. (turns to Elizabeth) I can lead you to where your lost necklace is.
Elizabeth
Really!
Sir Henry
Really? (looks Strider up and down) For a ranger you seem to have a lot of nerve to address a princess so boldly.
Elizabeth
I’m a princess? (surprised and very pleased.) I mean, yes of course, I’m a princess! Now do you really know where the dragons are going?
Strider
Yes, your highness, (bows trying to prove he has manners) I do. They will be going to their lair.
Sir Henry
I knew that already! The question is where is there lair.
Strider
I know where their lair is. those particular dragons have a cave in the mountains.
Sir Henry
Most dragons have caves in mountains.
Sir Marcus
Which mountains?
Elizabeth
Can you lead the way from here to there and back again?
Strider
Very true. The Sriliton Mountains, And yes, I can but only if you go with me.
Elizabeth
Me? Quite frankly, I think the surest way for failure of the expeditions purpose is to take me with you. I don’t like long journeys if they are uncomfortable and I’m terrible at giving directions and I get lost very easily and…
Strider
But your flying carpet doesn’t get lost you know, and it’s quite comfortable.
Sir Henry
How would you know?
Strider
Common knowledge.
Sir Marcus
We’d better go along too.
Strider
Oh yes, we’ll need as many knights as we can get to battle those dragons, not to mention the ten old Guardians of the Gate
Elizabeth
Guardians of the Gate?
Strider
Yes, the ancient dragons who guard the dragons. They say the older a dragon gets the fiercer and more lethal a warrior it is.
Sir Marcus
Doesn’t sound like it will be a peaceful undertaking.
Elizabeth
Couldn’t we fly over them?
Strider
They fly themselves. However, as I always say, let’s fight those dragons when we get to them. When do you want to start.
Elizabeth
After lunch? (rather indecisive)
Strider
That should be fine
Sir Henry
I’ll make preparations if you are resolved on this.
Elizabeth
I am! I think… (still indecisive)
Sir Marcus
How many knights should I summon?
Elizabeth
As many as the magic carpet will hold minus about four.
Sir Marcus
I’ll see to it at once.
Elizabeth
Just one thing more. Where is the dining room?
INT DAY Great hall where a feasting table is set out. Elizabeth sits at the head and is busy eating. Strider and several other persons are also eating
Elizabeth
(to camera) The food is excellent here. I was rather worried that it might not be. I don’t like meat very much but whatever this is, it tastes good!
Servitor
You are dining upon sumptuous roast Havloid served with fresh Springlsuts
Elizabeth
How interesting!
Trumpets blow. In walks a parade militant looking cooks. Their leader pauses and the trumpets are blown again
Chief Cook
It is my great pleasure to announce that now is the time for DESERT!!!
A large tray of deserts is brought and placed before Elizabeth. She looks of the selection of mouth watering delicious.
Elizabeth
No which one is sugar free?
Chief Cook
They all are.
Elizabeth
Wow! This really is a fantasy! I’ll take that one, and that one, and some of that one, and that one, and that one. And a bit of that one too…
Elizabeth points at the deserts and she is served them and promptly starts eating.
Elizabeth
With lunches as good as this I’m rather sorry I’ll be missing dinner, unless, of course, it was something I didn’t like. And, if it isn’t, we might even be back in time for dinner! I wonder who far away those mountains that I can’t remember the name of them are. I remember it was rather unpronounceable… Oh well. Others know.
Elizabeth savors some more of her desert.
Ext Day the flying carpet is spread out on a landing platform/turret high over the ground. Several knights are ready to get onto it and supplies are already packed and placed on board. An elegant and comfortable chair has been placed in the center. Beside it stand Agnes, a pretty lady in waiting of eighteen with brown hair and brown eyes.
Sir Henry
Well, everything is now ready, and all we have to do is wait for lunch to be over.
Sir Marcus
That could take a while if I know anything about Princess Elizabeth.
Sir Henry
You know that it is not proper etiquette to discuss the eating habits of royal when they are not present, and it’s even less proper to discuss it when they are!
Sir Martin
(changing the subject)
And here comes Princess Elizabeth!
Elizabeth walks up out onto the turret towards the flying carpet. Behind her comes Helena, a lady in waiting with golden curls and blue eyes, following them is Strider and two more knights.
Elizabeth
I suppose it’s time to begin our journey.
Sir Henry
It certainly is! If your highness will take your seat we shall begin.
Elizabeth sits down gracefully and everyone takes their places on the magic carpet.
Elizabeth
Let us be off!
Nothing happens. The carpet doesn’t budge an inch. Elizabeth sits nervously hoping that she isn’t supposed to be the one who guides the carpet onward for she obviously can’t think how.
Sir Henry
If your highness will be pleased to say the proper words we shall be off.
Elizabeth
(Thinks for a moment) Open Sesame!!!
(a great door in the side of the castle wall opens.)
Elizabeth
(hurriedly) Close Sesame
The door shuts again. The carpet doesn’t budge
Elizabeth
Oatmeal! (nothing happens) Cornmeal! (again nothing happens) Mush!
At the last word the carpet suddenly lifts up off the ground.
Elizabeth
Which direction shall we go in?
Strider
To the north!
Elizabeth
Which way is north?
Strider
That way.
Elizabeth
Thank you, I forgot to bring my compass
Sir Marcus
What’s a compass?
Elizabeth
Never mind.
Sir Henry clears his throat. Marcus quiets. The carpet flies of to the North.
Ext Sky Afternoon
The flying carpet flies over the lands while drawing ever closer to a distant mountain range. They eventually get near it within a short time of filming.
Strider
Look, there is the gate!
All look below them and see a great open gateway of stone leading into the heart of the dragon mountains. In front are ten huge dragons.
Elizabeth
Those most be the ten dragon guardians. I don’t like their looks very much.
Sir Henry
They certainly look very fierce. However they haven’t taken off yet and perhaps they won’t bother us.
Strider
They usually don’t bother persons going in. It’s when they leave this area that they make their attack
With this cheerful thought the carpet goes on.
Sir Henry
Where is the dragon’s lair?
Strider
Head down over there, see the cave by the large oak tree?
Elizabeth
Oak Tree? (strains her eyes. The shot changes to her view and shows the surroundings in a blur)
Strider
Yes, the oak tree.
The shot shows the same shot but seen with perfect vision. The oak tree strands out very clearly for it is the only tree with leaves on the whole mountain side.
Strider
It’s the only tree with leaves.
Elizabeth
(squinting very hard)
Oh, you mean that green thing.
The carpet heads in that direction.
Ext Outside of of cave Day
The carpet lands. They get off with Elizabeth leading.
Elizabeth
Someone should probably remain here to guard the flying carpet.
Sir Henry
You, Sir Marcus, will take five men and stay here. The rest of you, come with me.
Strider leads the way into the cave with the rest following.
INT Dragons Cave Day
Light comes from torches on the wall and from a strange glow that seems to come form the dragon’s themselves. There are only six of them that can clearly be seen.
Eldest Dragon
What do you want
Elizabeth
I came here looking for my necklace.
DRAGON 1
This isn’t the lost and found department!
Elizabeth
Oh, I’m sorry. Where is the lost and found department?
Dragon 1
There isn’t one! (Laughs evilly)
Elizabeth
Well, in that case…
She stops. Above her she notices several cages. In them she sees Sir Dawin and Sir Walter as well as other prisoners. Each in a separate cage.
Elizabeth
(pointing towards the prisoners) One of them has my necklace
Dragon 1
Not anymore (Laughs evilly again)
Dragon 2
I do assure you, anything resembling jewelry or valuables has already been transfered to our treasure hoard!
The dragon points beyond them to a vast hoard of treasure
Dragon 3
And, we just reshuffled it twenty minutes ago so your necklace is hopelessly lost amongst our treasure hoard!
Sir Henry
We’ll see about that!
He strides forwards. THe other knights follow, though cautiously. Strider is looking at the treasure. Elizabeth just stands where she is, thinking.
Elizabeth
Well, I would like to find it. You see I’m getting kind of tired of writing and I want to finish this script before I stop so I’d better hurry up and finish it or it won’t ever get finished at all and they you and the rest of the dragons will just have to stand in perpetual stillness with nothing of interest happening to you. Just rotting away in a musty corner of my computers hard-drive until the ending of your world with the inevitable malfunction of my laptop.
The dragons look at each other. They do not look pleased
Eldest Dragon
Well, if you put it that way…
The dragons dig through the treasure. They return with Elizabeth’s Necklace
Eldest Dragon
Here is your necklace
Elizabeth
Oh thank you very much!!!
She puts on necklace, blinks and looks around astonished at those around her.
Elizabeth
Why, Sir Henry! I didn’t know you had a mustache!
Sir Henry
I’ve had one for twenty years!
Elizabeth
Oh… Maybe I’m confusing you with some one else. I suppose we out to rescue Sir Martin and Sir Dawin. After all, it would be the kind and proper thing to do.
SIr Henry
Indeed, it would.
Strider
We could reach the cages if we climbed that rope and perhaps went hand over hand on those stalagmites and then…
Elizabeth
Or we could just get the flying carpet and fly up to them. (surprised) Wait, did I just make that suggestion! My, reading those Nancy Drew Books must have helped my problem solving skills after all!
Ext Outside of Cave
They troop back onto the flying carpet and then fly towards the prisoners
DRAGON 1
Why don’t we attack them?
Eldest Dragon
Do you want to live unhappily ever after?
Dragon 1
No, but what has that got to do with it?
Eldest dragon
Never upset the one who controls what happens. If Elizabeth Von Fange wants to rescue the prisoners then, by all means, let her do it.
Other Dragon
Why are we even discussing this?
Eldest Dragon
So Elizabeth doesn’t have it pointed out to her by all those who read this script that the dragons probably wouldn’t have sat by doing nothing.
Dragon 1
Oh. I see. Avoiding the critics…
Shot changes to the flying carpet that has reached a locked cage.
Sir Henry
You had best use your magic key, your highness.
Elizabeth
What magic key?
Sir Marcus,
Your magic key that hangs on the necklace you wear that will open any lock with the the exception of a few.
Elizabeth
Oh, that magic key!
She unlocks the door. Sir Dawin gets out of the cage onto the flying carpet
Sir Henry
Sir Dawin, I arrest you as a false and perjured knight! Your trial will begin once we get back to the castle. You are a disgrace to the noble order of Knighthood!
Sir Dawin sits down miserably and the carpet flies to the cage of Sir Walter.
Sir Henry
I hear by arrest you…
Sir Walter
(interrupting as he is let out of the cage) I know, I heard that speech already.
Elizabeth
Now for the other prisoners.
Strider
Far be it from me to say…
Sir Henry
Then don’t.
Strider
I was just going to point out that there wasn’t much room on here and…
Elizabeth
I see what you mean. I won’t rescue more prisoners than can be transported back.
Sir Henry
In that case we should not rescue any more now.
Sir Marcus
Perhaps come back later on on a rescue mission?
Strider
It would mean less typing for you, you know.
Elizabeth
Very well.
Elizabeth turns to the dragons and addresses them
Elizabeth
I hear by order you to release your prisoners and escort them safely back to their homes or else…
Dragon 1
But you are going to finish the script!
Elizabeth
Well, you may not end up covered in dust but I could have a lot of boiling oil and green marshmallows…
The dragons tremble
Dragon 2
No, not the green marshmallows!!!
Dragon 3
Oh, we’ll do it! We promise!!!
Dragons talk at once promising obedience. The carpet is about to leave when
Strider
Wait, there is something the treasure pile I need to get.
Elizabeth orders the carpet back
Elizabeth
What is it?
Strider
You’ll see.
Elizabeth
Since I’m now wearing this necklace which has corrected my vision back to twenty twenty I can see. But what should I see?
Strider hops off the flying carpet that has now landed and goes to the hoard. Carefully and reverently he picks up a magnificent crown and sword and one or two other things of similar make to each other and of important aspect.
Strider
These are heirlooms of my family.
Sir Henry
But those are the heirlooms of the Kings of Zidar unless I’m greatly mistaken.
Strider
You are not.
Sir Marcus
Then you must be…
Strider
Prince Ralcon of Zidar.
Elizabeth
Are you?
Strider
Of course.
Helena
(To Elizabeth) Your highness, there is a handsome prince in the script!
Strider
Thank you for thinking so.
Helena
It’s no strange thing to think the truth…
Strider
Unless you are in a lying society.
Sir Henry
Which we aren’t.
Elizabeth
(amused) Well, let’s get back to the capitol.
Ext Outside of the dragons cave Day
Elizabeth
I wonder of the dragon guardians are going to do anything.
Strider
I doubt it, now.
Elizabeth pears down at the dragon guardians but they don’t seem to be doing anything. Strider seats himself next to Helena and they proceed to smile at each other.
Elizabeth
Every once in a while I wish I were old enough for romance…
Sir Marcus
(looks at her significantly)
Well, this is a fantasy story!
Elizabeth
(pretending to ignore it)
Yes, but I’m too tired to write one in for me anyway… I’m ready to get back to the castle and have dinner. And I wonder if they are going to have some more of that chocolate cake!!! Oh, that was really good….
Elizabeth moves off into a dreamy sigh as the carpet speeds them away.
(fade to black with titles showing) THE END
Camera fades back to a close up shop of Elizabeth
Elizabeth
What? Were you wanting to for this to go on further! Well, I’m quite flattered but I’m also quite tired so it is really now The End and they all lived happily ever after! And, if you want to know, there was chocolate cake for dinner. And it was delicious.
She smiles. Fade to black. Credits Roll.
