The Emperor’s New Death Star
Once upon a time, a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far away, there lived an Emperor. He was much like many other rulers of myth and legend for he greatly desired a certain thing and wanted to have as much, and the best quality, of that object that he could obtain. But unlike King Midas who desired gold, and the Emperor who desired new clothes this Emperor desired space ships. His Star Fleets were the most impressive in the universe, but still he wasn’t content.
When he was approached with plans for the ultimate space battle station he immediately ordered the construction of it. This station was going to have the power to destroy an entire planet! The Emperor frequently inspected the station and watched with pleasure it’s progress until it was at last completed.
For it’s first assignment the station was ordered to destroy an insignificant moon harboring a rebel base. However, the rebels resisted and, with a tiny space craft, one of the rebels managed to destroy the greatest technological battle station in the universe!
The rage of the Emperor was beyond description. The loss of his prized battle station was hard to bear and though he still had star fleets in plenty he desired to have another, larger, battle station that would be fool prof and that no rebel could destroy.
The Emperor’s desire was known throughout the galaxy and, quite soon after the loss of his first great battle station, plans and concepts were being sent in for new, and greater, battle stations.
None of these plans were, however, good enough for the Emperor. He did not want this battle station to be destroyed by the puny rebels and so discarded every plans for he thought them too weak.
Then, at last, he was approached with a plan that seemed to him to be fool proof indeed. Two designers came to him and told of a wondrous new building substance that they had discovered near the far borders of the galaxy. This building substance was so wondrous that any one who was unfit for office or incredibly stupid couldn’t see it. And, they told the Emperor, no one in the entire rebellion would be smart enough to see the battle station and therefore they couldn’t attack it but it could attack them.
This idea greatly pleased the Emperor and he ordered that the construction of this second battle station should begin at once. The high fees of the the two designers he paid without question. A building site was selected and there the two designers and their crew began the construction of the ultimate battle station.
Despite the secrecy maintained about the new station the rebels soon heard of it and began discussing plans to destroy it.
The Emperor meanwhile was too busy to visit the site of his new battle station. He frequently sent officers to inspect the work and these officers reported that the station was magnificent, marvelous, and totally beyond description.
The two designers then approached the Emperor with plans for a robot army to control and operate the station according to the Emperor’s direction and this was agreed to. The robots were to be created from the same wondrous building material as the station.
At last came the day when the Emperor himself went to personally oversee the final stages of construction on the battle station. What was his surprise when the two designers pointed out the construction site and all he could see there was empty space!
“I know I’m not incredibly stupid” the Emperor thought to himself, “So it must be that I am unfit for my office, which makes perfect sense as the mere rank of an emperor is much to low for someone of my qualifications.” Pleased with his thoughts the emperor commended the two designers warmly and had them go over in minute detail the entire plan of the battle station.
While they were thus occupied reports came in that the rebel fleet was drawing near the construction site. Unworried the Emperor gave the order that his new battle station should destroy the fleet.
“It’s not operational yet.” the two builders said nervously.
“Make it operational.f” The Emperor ordered. The two builders left the room, presumably to go do this.
The rebel fleet arrived and flew right through the construction site without hitting anything! With gapes of astonishment the Emperor and his officers starred at the fleet as it searched for the battle station it had come to destroy.
“Odd construction material…” One of the officers commented.
“Yes,” said another, “Only someone incredibly stupid could see it.”
He was promptly turned and glared at by the others but just at that moment the rebels decided to destroy the only battle station they could see and therefore destroyed the battle station the Emperor was on and then all went home very pleased at being fit for office and more intelligent than incredibly stupid.
And the two cheating builders, who by then were on the other side of the galaxy, lived for a while on the money they had swindled from the emperor but as crime doesn’t pay their lives eventually ended in misery. The Rebels however organized a new and better government and under it everyone, except for the bad guys, lived happily ever after.
Moral: One effect of being ill is that endings are less happy than normal. My apologies if depressed anyone this did.